The following is from my journal. The entry speaks about the previous days events….
10 Nov 2010
Last night fwas a tough one. First, I thought the dog had gotten out and was gone which really upset me. Then, I discovered that he had in fact, dug underneath the fence between my place and Our WONDERFUL neighbor, Mrs. Cindy. I called him and he did not respond, so I called Cindy’s dogs who came out from the dog door to house, Pono in toe. I hope he didn’t destroy anything. Now, I want to kill him. That itself is enough to send me realing in a cycle of panic, but add on the side effects from my rx’s I’m feeling, the naseau, the constant pain, the dizziness, fatigue, hot flashes and sweating, the fact that I get so enraged so easily – All these thinbgs added together simply knock me to the ground. Each day seems harder than the one before it, yet I endure. I don’t literally run away much anymore, I just retreat within myself – same thing – just no one knows the war raging within. And again, a couple of songs grabbed me and let me vent and cry out to God and one was an earnest prayer for the Father to Hold me! They are Casting Crowns – East to West, and (thanks to Dan) Tenth Avenue North – Hold My Heart!
East To West:
“Here I am Lord and I’m Drowning
In your sea of Forgetfulness.
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for PEACE and REST
I don’t wanna end up where you found me,
and it echoes in my mind,
keeps me awake tonight…
I start the day the war begins,
endless remindings of my sin,
Time and time again your truth is drown out
by the storm I’m in.
Today, I feel like I’m just one mistake away
From you leaving me this way.
This is the heart of what PTSD sufferers have to deal with. It is a feeling of failing, inadequacy, worthlessness, unloved, unwanted. We only focus on the negative – even though these feeling aren’t usually correct, they don’t have a cause, they don’t have any evidence – but they are there just the same. They become self-validating. “If I’m feeling insecure their must be something wrong with me to feel insecure about.” That is what begins the downward spiral into the darkness for me. This always leads me to a self-destructive place.
ALL I WANT IS A DAY OF PEACE! JUST ONE DAY that I don’t end up angry or depressed. Just one day where I don’t end up say FML! I don’t feel like crying anymore, though at times I’ll break into a crying spell for no reason and simply can’t make myself stop sobbing. Wuss! What’s wrong with you? Why can’t you just get over it already? Oh that I could!
I’m learning a lot in therapy. I can recognize my triggers and sometimes stop the cycle from ever starting; others I can’t. But, i’ll get better. The truth of the matter is that I’ve had good DAYS – plural. And, logic says if there was 1 good day, then eventually there will be two, then, maybe three! Even knowing this; right now writing this, I just want to crawl back into bed, pull the covers over my head and stay there. In the cool darkness forever.
I’ve tried explaining to people what this feels like, this constant in the equation that is my life. And, wouldn’t you know it – providence, rather my Heavenly daddy, steps in and reminded me of something He prompted me to get in the first place, WHILE I WAS STILL DEPLOYED. It is a book by C.S. Lewis entitled A Grief Observed. Interesting how he had me gather the materials that he would use to rebuild me before I even knew I needed rebuilding. In Lewis’ book he describes his very real emotion at watching his wife die of cancer. This is EXACTLY what it feels like to be carrying around the weight that I do….
“No one told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep swallowing. At other times, it feels like being drunk or concussed. There is an invisible blanket between the world and me. i find it hard to take in what anyone says. Or perhaps, hard to want to take it in. It is so uninteresting.”
That’s it Perfectly! My disorder/condition is hard for me to grasp. Intellectually, I understand the “how’s” and the “why’s”, I can read the studies and go through the different models used to treat the symptoms of my “disease”. I can even recognize the truth and value to it all! Yet, I still struggle, CONSTANTLY, with this Demon within. Something to think about…